My First Postpartum Doula Client and Going Back to School

Last night, I met with my first potential postpartum doula client. She is an absolutely amazing woman, and the interview went very well. We talked for an hour, and I didn't even get to eat my food (we met at a restaurant) because I talked so much. I have decided that I might be too chatty. Anyway, she is expecting her first baby in the beginning of November, and is going to get back with me. I hope she hires me because I think I would really enjoy working with her.

On the midwifery front...I am re-applying at my local community college for the spring term! Oh, I am so excited!! I will be taking Anatomy & Physiology I in the spring, and then Anatomy & Physiology II in the extender summer term. This should get me back into the swing of things before I start midwifery school full-time in the fall, and it will also save me a little bit of money since the tuition at my community college is $77 per credit hour, and the tuition at the midwifery school is $200 per credit hour. I originally wanted to take Microbiology and Psychology at the community college, too, but decided that it would just be too much while working full-time. So I will save those for midwifery school. :)

My birth doula training is November 7th through 9th. My mom and I are going together, and staying in a hotel! We're going to give each other pedicures and watch really girly movies. Should be a great time! We haven't spent time together like that in a long time...I'm really looking forward to it!

OH! I FORGOT TO EVEN MENTION!! Gosh, how could I forget this?? I found out today that the Florida School of Traditional Midwifery is VERY accommodating to commuting students...so accommodating, in fact, that they schedule the bulk of their classes on two consecutive days. This is so the students can drive up to Gainesville just once per week, and stay overnight one day either by staying with a local student, or by everyone pitching in on a hotel room. This is FANTASTIC! Why, you ask? Because it means we do not have to move to Gainesville!!!!!!!!!! Now, don't get me wrong...I like Gainesville, and I *love* the town of Alachua, but it was proving to be rather stressful every time I thought about uprooting everything and moving again...and even more stressful is the job market. There are no IT jobs, and my husband is an A+ and N+ Certified IT Technician...so we were very worried that I wouldn't be able to move in time and then would have to drive two hours every day to Gainesville! But nope! I worried for nothing! I can stay right where I am and only drive to Gainesville once a week!

I am extremely happy right now. And SUPER excited about my life. :)

Putting off one dream to begin another...

10/6/08

I'm not really sure where to begin.

I guess maybe this begins two days ago, when I attended a Wholistic Sexuality workshop with Sheri Winston...or maybe it begins years and years ago, when I was a child. Or maybe it began long before I or my mother or my grandmother was even born.

Does it really matter when it begins?

I have discovered, although I have known all along, that I am not ready to be a mother yet. I know we are never ready. Who is ever ready to become a mother? But...I am not ready to be the mama that I want to be. It does have a lot to do with my past and how I was raised. I am working on so many internal personal issues. I have so much more work to do before I can parent in the way I desire to parent. I need more patience. I need less anger. I need to learn to love myself before I can give love to a child. And I need to build my marriage more to prepare it for another member.

I have also had this hole in my heart for as long as I can remember. A desire to be loved unconditionally, a desire to be rescued. I have a fear of abandonment. I've tried to fill this hole with thing after thing after thing after thing...but the hole is always there. I traveled to Scotland, then to Ireland...and the hole remained. I picked up hobby after hobby, and the hole remained. I married a beautiful soul who I thought for sure would fill the hole. He did indeed fill my heart, but the hole remained. It hit me like a ton of bricks when I discovered that I can't fill the hole with anything. I have to fill the hole myself. I am what is missing from that hole. My self-love, self-esteem, worth, value. My love for myself is what is missing from the hole. That hole will never be filled until I learn to love myself. And it's just not fair to bring a baby into the world to try to fill a hole that needs to be filled before the baby is ever even conceived.

So my husband and I have decided to put off trying to conceive. For how long? Well, however long it takes to learn to love myself. Maybe that will only be a year, maybe it will be three, five...I just don't know. The desire for a child is so great, and it will never really go away...but I know it is just not time yet. I have work to do before the time comes. I am not quite sure where to start, and this blog seems like it will be an on-going log of my progress.

I do know that the very first step in learning to love myself is learning to value myself. I have no self-esteem because I feel worthless. I feel like I am wasting my life at a job that is not helping people. I need to help people to feel like I am worth something. I know I matter, I do...I know that I am worth something. But, I do not feel like I am living up to my true potential if I am not actively helping people.

So the first step I am going to take...the first gigantic leap I'm going to make...is to quit my office job and pursue midwifery full-time. I want to travel overseas and help underpriviledged women have the births that they desire and deserve. I want to midwife for women who do not desire to birth in hospitals, but cannot afford midwifery services. I want to educate the community on pregnancy and birth and breastfeeding and parenting, and not just the people who can afford it. I want to help, and I am going to.

I am currently deciding between the Florida School of Traditional Midwifery in Gainesville and the International School of Midwifery in Miami. I live far from both, but farther from Miami. However, tuition is very costly in Gainesville, and free in Miami (apart from a $100 per month lab fee). Cost of living is more expensive in Miami, but my family lives closer to Gainesville. I have a lot to think about before I choose which school I am going to. All I know is that I am going...and soon.

Please make my brain stop spinning.

9/24/08

There is too much to update about. I need to find a way to keep it simple. Bullets, anyone?

• Postpartum Doula Training: was wonderful! I attended the DONA International Postpartum Doula Training with Betsy Schwartz up in Jacksonville a few weeks ago. Betsy was absolutely awesome, totally down to earth...I felt like she was someone I could really relate to. She just seemed to...get it, ya know? People who do birth and postpartum work...they either get it or they don't. Betsy totally gets it.Anyway, we learned a variety of things...what postpartum doulas do and what they don't do, how to identify breastfeeding problems and postpartum depression, how to know when to refer your client out for additional assistance, how to teach the father how to mother the mother, and tons more that I can't remember right now because I'm exhausted.I would definitely recommend this training, especially with Betsy as the instructor, to anybody interested in doing postpartum work. It was just wonderful to be around like-minded women who all care about mothers and babies. And it convinced me that I really need to take the...

• Birth Doula Training: yep, I've decided to take DONA's birth doula training, too. Now, here's the deal. I don't know if I'll actually be able to pursue active birth doula'ing. I'm one of those birth advocates who started out backwards. I've never given birth...I've never experienced birth in the hospital. But I always knew in my heart that homebirth is what's right for me. So really, I had no idea what hospital birth was really like. I mean, I had read a few bad hospital birth stories on the Mothering forums, but I originally thought I could make a difference as a doula. I planned on advocating for women and speaking up for them when they were in the throes of labor. Oh yes. I was gonna be a great doula and help women have awesome homebirth-like-births, only in the hospital. I actually believed all this. Until I attended a childbirth preparation class in one of my local...

• Hospitals: a hospital is simply not a safe place for a healthy woman to give birth. I know this will turn away some readers. I understand if you feel threatened by this. If you are a woman planning on giving birth in the hospital, as all your family and friends always have, then understandably you'd be upset if someone told you that the place you trust most is actually the place you should fear most. But...I assure you that I am not judging your choice of where to give birth. It has nothing to do with judgement and everything to do with safety. Birth is as safe as life gets...but interference is risky. When we interfere with a normal, biological process that our bodies are designed to do...when we add technology and tests and pokes and prodding and interruptions and interventions...that's when things start to go wrong. So yes. I went to the hospital. For the first time since my grandmother was dying of cancer, I went to the hospital. I went first a few months ago to observe a local childbirth education class. As part of my Birthing From Within training, I was required to attend to see what the mainstream women in my community are being taught in hospitals. And I was absolutely horrified at what I heard.I sat and listened as the instructor, who, oddly enough, really seemed to care about mothers and babies...I listened as she told the class that women's perineums are not capable of stretching to accommodate a baby's head, and for that reason, almost all women receive routine episiotomies. I listened as she told the class a wonderful story of a woman who used hypnobirthing had a pain-free, drug-free birth, and then proceeded to roll her eyes and tell the class that this hypnobirthing woman also had to practice for three hours each day for the past five months. I listened as she touted the awesome benefits of epidurals and did not list even ONE potential side effect. I went home completely discouraged that night.
  
  Then, last night, I attended a Newborn Care Class at the other local hospital. This was a requirement of my DONA postpartum doula training (since I have not given birth within the past five years, nor can I volunteer time in a daycare or nursery right now). I went there ready to learn how to swaddle, diaper, bathe, and feed newborns. I worked in a nursery about five years ago for almost three years, but I wanted to learn different approaches to newborn care. I was completely disappointed when we didn't even go over these things! Instead I listened to the instructor say that they encourage breastfeeding at this hospital, but that "There is absolutely nothing wrong with formula. It's a personal choice." I listened to her tell the class that "an angry-looking, bright red penis is actually healthy after a circumcision." Oh yes, as if a genital wound on a non-consenting infant could ever be healthy. She explained how cords are clamped immediately after birth, babies are taken to the warmer to be washed off, dried, and clothed, and then given to mom for a little while to "bond and initiate breastfeeding before being taken to the nursery for additional tests". Why can't the babies just stay with their mamas??
  
  I was just appalled, really. And this is why I don't think I can be an active birth doula. Not in hospitals, anyway. I believe in the cause whole-heartedly. I truly do. In fact, I have encouraged my mother to enter the doula field. She is going to take the birth doula training with me, and I believe she is going to be an absolutely AMAZING birth doula. As for me...I am probably going to stick with postpartum work...for now. Because, ultimately, my dream lies in...

• Midwifery: I can't deny it to myself anymore. How many times does my heart have to break and scream to me that this is my purpose before I actually listen? Well, I am listening now. I am going to pursue midwifery. I am considering all my options, but right now I am leaning toward enrolling in Ancient Arts Midwifery Institute, and then later apprenticing and going through NARM (specifically their PEP process) to become a Certified Professional Midwife. It feels surreal just typing it out here. But it's true. I'm going to do it. I am going to become a midwife. But first, I am focusing on obtaining my doula certifications and growing my business...and, of course...

• Trying To Conceive: Oh the joys and the sorrows. My husband and I are going through our second cycle of trying to conceive. I am on cycle day 29, and I am, unfortunately, not feeling pregnant this time around either. That is okay, though. I am still optimistic. If we did conceive this cycle, I will be ecstatic. But if not, that's okay. A little July baby would be absolutely perfect, too. :)

Alright, I'm going to make another entry with some beautiful photos, and then I'm going to feed my dog and get ready for bed. I'm exhausted just from writing all this out! It feels good to update, though. I need to make more time for myself soon. I'm sorry I haven't been updating regularly...just too much going on right now. But, things are going to get more regular around here (har har) very soon, I promise!