Trying to Conceive

8/3/08

When I first learned what "TTC" meant, I was overwhelmed with a flood of emotions: jealousy, anticipation, sadness...oh, to be in the TTC Club!! When would I get there? How old would I be? What kind of life would I be living when I finally reached that point in time?

I wanted a child from the moment I fell in love with my husband. I had never wanted one before. I had been terrified of childbirth all through my teenage years, and just decided that I'd never have children. When I finally realized that I was in love with my husband (boyfriend back then, of course), I thought to myself, "I could have kids with this guy." And so I started researching childbirth to allay my fears...found a story about unassisted birth, and my fears melted away. But that is a story for another day. ;)

It would be years before I would start my TTC journey. My husband, as much as he loved me and wanted us to be together forever and all that jazz, was simply NOT ready for a baby. We practice Fertility Awareness (FAM), and so many friends and family would ask me, "Why don't you just trick him?" Umm...hmm...yeah, that's a tough one. How about, "Because I respect him?" Sheesh. That made the whole thing even more difficult.

I waited impatiently for over four years. Waited for what seemed like forever. Waited, and waited, and waited, until my husband was finally ready. The day I knew for sure that he was really, truly ready was one of the happiest days of my life.

So now, here we are. We are in the midst of trying to conceive our very first little one. I have never been pregnant, and I have absolutely no idea what to expect. Every day I wonder what my baby will look like, who he/she will act like, will it be a boy or girl...and even, will I get pregnant on the first try? Will I be devastated if I don't? What if I am infertile?

The thoughts that run through your head when you're first starting out...man...they're crazy!
I'm trying not to let TTC take over my life, but it is so difficult! I daydream all day at work, play on MotheringDotCommune, obsess over my fertility chart. I'm getting behind in my work, and every day I say, "Ok, this is the day that I will catch up." And it never happens!

Ultimately, I'm not really stressed. I'm pretty calm. I am just so EXCITED, though, and that's what's taking over my life right now. Excitement. But I am trying my best to eat right, sleep enough, exercise, and I am drinking Red Clover (Trifolium pratense) tea (I really should be drinking Red Clover infusions, but the taste was nauseating to me) to improve my already pretty darn fertile fertility. I am also drinking the odd Nettle, Oatstraw, or Red Raspberry Leaf infusions, and I will drink those more consistently when I do get pregnant.

This entry is all over the place, but I guess I just wanted to document what TTC has been like, so far, for me (even though I haven't even ovulated yet, lol!). Maybe it will help any other TTC-Newbies to realize that their obsessions are normal. :)