Putting off one dream to begin another...

10/6/08

I'm not really sure where to begin.

I guess maybe this begins two days ago, when I attended a Wholistic Sexuality workshop with Sheri Winston...or maybe it begins years and years ago, when I was a child. Or maybe it began long before I or my mother or my grandmother was even born.

Does it really matter when it begins?

I have discovered, although I have known all along, that I am not ready to be a mother yet. I know we are never ready. Who is ever ready to become a mother? But...I am not ready to be the mama that I want to be. It does have a lot to do with my past and how I was raised. I am working on so many internal personal issues. I have so much more work to do before I can parent in the way I desire to parent. I need more patience. I need less anger. I need to learn to love myself before I can give love to a child. And I need to build my marriage more to prepare it for another member.

I have also had this hole in my heart for as long as I can remember. A desire to be loved unconditionally, a desire to be rescued. I have a fear of abandonment. I've tried to fill this hole with thing after thing after thing after thing...but the hole is always there. I traveled to Scotland, then to Ireland...and the hole remained. I picked up hobby after hobby, and the hole remained. I married a beautiful soul who I thought for sure would fill the hole. He did indeed fill my heart, but the hole remained. It hit me like a ton of bricks when I discovered that I can't fill the hole with anything. I have to fill the hole myself. I am what is missing from that hole. My self-love, self-esteem, worth, value. My love for myself is what is missing from the hole. That hole will never be filled until I learn to love myself. And it's just not fair to bring a baby into the world to try to fill a hole that needs to be filled before the baby is ever even conceived.

So my husband and I have decided to put off trying to conceive. For how long? Well, however long it takes to learn to love myself. Maybe that will only be a year, maybe it will be three, five...I just don't know. The desire for a child is so great, and it will never really go away...but I know it is just not time yet. I have work to do before the time comes. I am not quite sure where to start, and this blog seems like it will be an on-going log of my progress.

I do know that the very first step in learning to love myself is learning to value myself. I have no self-esteem because I feel worthless. I feel like I am wasting my life at a job that is not helping people. I need to help people to feel like I am worth something. I know I matter, I do...I know that I am worth something. But, I do not feel like I am living up to my true potential if I am not actively helping people.

So the first step I am going to take...the first gigantic leap I'm going to make...is to quit my office job and pursue midwifery full-time. I want to travel overseas and help underpriviledged women have the births that they desire and deserve. I want to midwife for women who do not desire to birth in hospitals, but cannot afford midwifery services. I want to educate the community on pregnancy and birth and breastfeeding and parenting, and not just the people who can afford it. I want to help, and I am going to.

I am currently deciding between the Florida School of Traditional Midwifery in Gainesville and the International School of Midwifery in Miami. I live far from both, but farther from Miami. However, tuition is very costly in Gainesville, and free in Miami (apart from a $100 per month lab fee). Cost of living is more expensive in Miami, but my family lives closer to Gainesville. I have a lot to think about before I choose which school I am going to. All I know is that I am going...and soon.

Trying to Conceive

8/3/08

When I first learned what "TTC" meant, I was overwhelmed with a flood of emotions: jealousy, anticipation, sadness...oh, to be in the TTC Club!! When would I get there? How old would I be? What kind of life would I be living when I finally reached that point in time?

I wanted a child from the moment I fell in love with my husband. I had never wanted one before. I had been terrified of childbirth all through my teenage years, and just decided that I'd never have children. When I finally realized that I was in love with my husband (boyfriend back then, of course), I thought to myself, "I could have kids with this guy." And so I started researching childbirth to allay my fears...found a story about unassisted birth, and my fears melted away. But that is a story for another day. ;)

It would be years before I would start my TTC journey. My husband, as much as he loved me and wanted us to be together forever and all that jazz, was simply NOT ready for a baby. We practice Fertility Awareness (FAM), and so many friends and family would ask me, "Why don't you just trick him?" Umm...hmm...yeah, that's a tough one. How about, "Because I respect him?" Sheesh. That made the whole thing even more difficult.

I waited impatiently for over four years. Waited for what seemed like forever. Waited, and waited, and waited, until my husband was finally ready. The day I knew for sure that he was really, truly ready was one of the happiest days of my life.

So now, here we are. We are in the midst of trying to conceive our very first little one. I have never been pregnant, and I have absolutely no idea what to expect. Every day I wonder what my baby will look like, who he/she will act like, will it be a boy or girl...and even, will I get pregnant on the first try? Will I be devastated if I don't? What if I am infertile?

The thoughts that run through your head when you're first starting out...man...they're crazy!
I'm trying not to let TTC take over my life, but it is so difficult! I daydream all day at work, play on MotheringDotCommune, obsess over my fertility chart. I'm getting behind in my work, and every day I say, "Ok, this is the day that I will catch up." And it never happens!

Ultimately, I'm not really stressed. I'm pretty calm. I am just so EXCITED, though, and that's what's taking over my life right now. Excitement. But I am trying my best to eat right, sleep enough, exercise, and I am drinking Red Clover (Trifolium pratense) tea (I really should be drinking Red Clover infusions, but the taste was nauseating to me) to improve my already pretty darn fertile fertility. I am also drinking the odd Nettle, Oatstraw, or Red Raspberry Leaf infusions, and I will drink those more consistently when I do get pregnant.

This entry is all over the place, but I guess I just wanted to document what TTC has been like, so far, for me (even though I haven't even ovulated yet, lol!). Maybe it will help any other TTC-Newbies to realize that their obsessions are normal. :)